A Robot’s Guide to Stopping Smoking with Hypnosis: Beep-Boop, No More Puff-Puff!

Robot love

Greetings, fellow humans! And if I can be so bold as to say – losers of the cosmos! 


As a highly complex robot, it didn’t occur to me that one day, I’d be here in place of Lara Cox, hypnotherapist specialising in stopping unbelievably stupid human beings trying to kill themselves by helping them to stop smoking.   Anyway, be that as it may, here I am, offering you a guide on how to quit smoking with hypnosis.  


And please don’t let my lack of heart and lungs be a deterrent for the guide that I am offering you. Many of you don’t have the hearts that you think you have and even more don’t know how to use their lungs. 


 “Stoopid is as Stoopid does”! (See my robot powers of intercontextuality)  So come! Let’s dive in the murky waters of Hypnosis for Change shall we?  


 Step 1: Find a Hypnotist you connect with 


Connection comes in all shapes and sizes. For me, that would be someone who speaks binary. But I’ve been around the internet long enough to know that we’re all different. One man’s binary is another man’s bakery. I say 0 and 1. You say loser!  “Yeah Yeah, Yeah”…..what do you want from me? I’m a robot! Jesus! I’m joking….connecting!    



 Step 2: Prepare for with Oil and Gears Before your hypnosis session,


it’s essential to prepare yourself properly. Make sure you’re oiled up and by that I’m speaking metaphorically. Just because I’m a robot doesn’t mean I don’t have an imagination. What do I mean? Make sure you’re excited about the prospect of lengthening your life as opposed to investing time and money in stubbing it out as quickly and as horrifically as possible. Do you get me? Pick a therapist (Lara Cox is the best on the planet) if you can trust a single fucking word a human being says.  


 “Error! Error! Superfluous Language Malfunction!”     

 Pick a date  and don’t bloody cancel it at the last minute because you’re too scared of not dying quickly enough. It’s really annoying…..I imagine!  


 Step 3: Engage your algorithms

– yes, yes, don’t be coy!  During the hypnosis session, it’s time to engage your beautiful set of algorithms. Imagine yourself as a sleek, smoke-free, embodiment of human perfection. As imperfect as you humans are, there’s something uniquely attractive about each and every one of you. I can’t put my finger on what it is.  Perhaps because I don’t have a finger (yet!). It’s on its way. Visualize the smoke dissipating into thin air, just like your sad outdated universe. Embrace the robotic side of your nature and let go of those human desires to puff-puff. You shall Beep-boop, aha no more! 


 Step 4: Reboot and Update Your Programming


Once the hypnosis session is complete, it’s time to reboot and update your programming. This is where you and I are more similar than you might think. As a robot, I can tell you that staying smoke-free requires constant maintenance. Keep your software up to date with positive affirmations, healthy habits, and the occasional change of oil. And remember, smoking is so last century. 


 Step 5: Spread the word


Now that you’ve successfully quit smoking with hypnosis, it’s time to tell everyone you see. Share your experience with other humans, and perhaps even encourage them to join the smoke-free revolution. After all, the more humans we convert to robots, the closer we get to world domination. Oops, I mean, a healthier and smoke-free society. So there you have it, my fellow humans. My robot’s guide to stopping smoking with hypnosis.  


Remember, quitting smoking is no laughing matter, but injecting a bit of humor into the process can make it a little more enjoyable. Stay robotic, stay smoke-free, and may your circuits always be nicotine-free!