Sep 22nd 2023
Today started off quite well. I got up and felt today was the day that I would stop smoking. I’d promised Bill that if he stopped eating a packet of biscuits every evening in front of the TV I’d stop smoking.
Unfortunately as the day went on and my sense of irritation increased I began to find myself wandering around the kitchen looking for substitutes to shove in my mouth.
I finally cracked At 7:00 after Bill and I had polished off a packet of the kid’s jammy dodgers.
If stopping smoking means eating a packet of biscuits every night, I’ve got just as much chance of dying of heart disease and diabetes as I have from smoking. Not wanting Bill to sneer at my failure I got up and went into the garden for a cigarette.
Jessie looked at me like I was a total failure. Next time she can’t get though the cat flap or lands in her milk saucer because she’s so fat and about as agile as a stuffed moose I’m going to give her the same look she gave me. Utter failure!
Sep 27th 2023
Today is the beginning of the rest of my life. I finally did it. I went into Boots and bought some replacement nicotine patches and gum. That’s it! I’ve smoked my last ever cigarette.
I hate going into that Boots, there’s always gangs of homeless looking men drinking from cans and one or two in their sleeping bags. The good thing is the ones in the sleeping bags are always smoking and it puts me off.
I had my last fag standing in the front garden where the children can’t see me. There’s something very undignified about having to crouch down behind the bin every time a neighbour passes. It’s a relief to stop smoking.
Now that I know I can use patches I’m not worried. The thought of going cold turkey on nicotine withdrawal is too much. I literally get heart palpitations at the thought of it.
It’s going to be great. No more arguments about the disgusting smell in the house when I leave the door open when I smoke, no more constant worrying about what I’m doing to my health. And I won’t have that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach when Maisy or Sammy begs me to quit smoking.
The lady at the chemist was very encouraging about nicotine replacement therapy and said I could go to their free counselling sessions put on by the NHS. I asked her how statistically successful stopping smoking with patches are. She looked puzzled as though it was a strange question. I looked it up when I got home. It’s not massively encouraging but I really want this. I’m feeling positive.
Shit. Shit. Shit. I’m so tired of this constant battle. It’s been a week since I’ve stopped smoking but I’ve thought of little else. Even though I’m wearing a nicotine patch I still want to smoke a cigarette. I’m actually considering ditching the nicotine patches and starting vaping instead. Everyone is either more boring than usual or I’m less tolerant.
I’m thinking Maisy might be happier if she sees me vaping as a lot of the Year 8 kids at her school do it in the toilets and possibly I might come across as cool rather than an old smoking hag.
Turns out Maisy doesn’t think vaping is cool. I accidentally woke them all up by setting off the fire alarm in the kitchen. Bob kept shouting:
“what are you doing?”
He’s even more moronic when he’s tired.
I said, “it’s pretty self-explanatory. I’ve got a vape in my mouth and I’ve set the fire alarm off. This is no longer an undercover operation.”
I must confess, the next part fills me with shame.
He said to me “you’re bloody pathetic! When are you going to stop. You’re never going to give up smoking are you?”
And I just felt a moment’s rage and said “oh fuck off and have some more biscuits.”
Maisy started crying and telling me that I didn’t care about her enough to stop smoking. I said “baby, don’t be silly. It’s me I don’t love.”
I don’t know that that made her feel any better. Kids are so spoilt today, everything is about them. When I was her age a woman got a badge for cutting down when she was pregnant.
All the same I think that’s the last straw though.
I need something radical. Something has to change. I have to change and not because of Bill. He’s got no more control than I have. He just doesn’t smoke. But I want to feel in control. I want my life back. I can’t stand it anymore.
Sep 30th 2023
I’ve decided to try hypnosis to stop smoking. When I was telling Mandy at work about last night she said that the woman that’s just taken over Ran’s position stopped smoking with hypnosis and she hasn’t smoked since. When Ran told me how much money her stop smoking session cost my mouth dropped.
“£350 for one and a half hours. That’s daylight robbery” My voice came out very high pitched.
Just as I was saying that some yute drove by on his bike and tried to snatch my bag off my shoulders. I hate working in Kilburn. Now that really is day light robbery. Managed to chase the little arse hole and kick him off his bike. In the end he was more traumatised than me and I ended up giving him a cigarette to calm him down but then singed his eyebrow giving him a light.
After trying unsuccessfully to stop smoking again last night I decided to call a hypnotherapist near me. He wasn’t much cheaper than Ran’s, £250 so I’ve decided to go with Ran’s lady. At least I know Ran’s hypnotherapist works. And if it does work I’ll make the money back in a month and when I read some of her Google reviews for stop smoking with hypnosis it seemed pretty incredible. Of course she could have made them all up. It’s very difficult to trust anyone these days.
I very nearly cancelled my stop smoking session as the lady told me that the stop smoking session was over zoom. Don’t know why Ran didn’t mention it. I spend all day at work on Zoom and I don’t see how hypnosis works over Zoom. But she lives too far out of London and I wanted to do it the day we planned. Anyway I had my last cigarette at 11:00pm, woke and by 12:00 was ready to murder someone. Thank God we agreed a Saturday and everyone is out and safe.
We had the smoking cessation session at 1:00 and a very strange thing happened, for the first time in my life I was able to feel free from nicotine cravings. It’s very hard to explain what happened because I knew everything that was being said to me but somehow I heard things differently from before. It was like I could imagine my cravings away. I haven’t stopped thinking about cigarettes but I don’t actually want one. It sounds too ridiculous and I’ve tried to explain it to Bill but I can’t ….anyway it’s too early to say. So far it’s only been 12 hours.
Went out for a drink with friends. I was a little bit worried about this as two of my friends vape and whenever they vape I want to smoke but I’m proud to say I didn’t relapse. It did go through my mind but this time I used this technique the hypnotherapist gave me and when I saw myself smoking, I immediately got a more powerful image of me standing on a beach looking good, feeling vibrant, having saved all the money I used to use on smoking on a holiday. The holiday cost £4800, which is what I used to spend on smoking every year.
I can now say completely confidently I’m a happy, healthy non smoker.
If you want to book a free chat with my brilliant hypnotherapist who helped me stop smoking over Zoom
follow this link.https://calendly.com/larahypnotherapist/15min?month=2023-05